Knocked Down Dead for a Week Then Resurrected

I am writing this with my brand-new keyboard which is more of an emotional necessity than a functional one. I am also writing this in the middle of an afternoon work day, right after a string of meetings and right before another string of meetings. I just finished a petite apple pie from Tilde, a treat from my sister who craved for cheesecake and decided to spend the last of her pay for something sweet for all of us.

So I was sick for a week. It started with a horrible anxiety attack on Monday, Aug 4, that took the place of the initial excitement I was feeling after receiving an Octopus award and after completing a particularly time-nasty piece of report. My body had other plans and decided to revolt against the previous long weeks of skipped meals, late nights, high stress, and inadequate hydration. The anxiety attack brought along hyperacidity reminiscent of the severe episode I had in 2022 when I was just starting out at the company and was suffering from extreme performance anxiety. I was back in that familiar state of pain, nausea, vomiting, inability to keep down any food and drink, headache, chills, body pains and aching spasms. It felt like my body was shutting down and giving up on me.

Before the hyperacidity hit, I was able to consult with my psychiatrist. A dosage increase was prescribed after we reviewed the past four months and then there was actual solution-setting and I was given small simple homework to start a few helpful habits.

Then the hyperacidity hit and I couldn't do anything. I went to a medical clinic, had my blood drawn and urinalysis. I had to be put in a wheelchair and be navigated out of the clinic into the parking lot because I could barely hold myself together. I was in so much pain and discomfort. I was prescribed meds but also advised to go to the ER if I still couldn't hydrate orally. All I could think about was I didn't have any extra money for being sick. I have a health card but there are expenses that would layer on top of what the health card would cover.

I made myself NOT go to the ER. I could barely take food or drink but pushed through the rest of the day and night trying. I had to send a message to the office that I would be taking a sick leave.

The world didn't end.

It was ok for me to take the days off.

I was 60% recovered by Wednesday so I filed Monday-Tuesday as sick leave, and then used 3 offset days for Wednesday to Friday.

I went back yesterday, Monday, and it was fine. I still had a job. People were concerned and wished me well. People asked how I was. The work went along without me. Presentations went on without me.

After thirty years, one would think this is clear. But it's not. It's why I am medicating for my mental health. My brain is wired a certain way. And then I have childhood and teenhood traumas. I was a kind of child prodigy who failed as an adult. There are people who used to and still call me "genius". But apparently that is not enough when one is also neurdivergent and had poor foundations growing up. It doesn't translate well into adulthood where the rule is to go with the flow of the majority and not make too many waves, or make waves only according to what's profitable for whatever company you're working for.

I am actually fortunate to be working at a company I don't mind working for. The work is very heavy and frequently challenging but my brain likes it. I like that my brain has space to play and ask questions and even create a few things. What I have begun to realize while I was recovering for the past week is that while the work often drains me to the point of (brain) death, it is the household that is really weighing down on my spirit. It is the household that is making me question the point of being alive when it is clearly dragging me towards a future of destitution and despair.

And in the end I have been blaming myself. Seeing myself as the one who failed to make things work, when I was actually trying to make things work in a very broken system.

Anyway, I am back to work this week. I am getting the hang of leading a team of Zillennials (Gen Zs and Millennials). Knock on wood but it looks like I have good batch this time. ^_^

On the studio front, I am experimenting with how to be able to take photos of shop items anytime without the tediousness of setting up and dismantling every time. I tried a shelf. It worked. But now I need to move to a bigger shelf that is not easily accessible by the naughty cats. The doctor has prescribed that I work on taking 1-3 photos a day instead of getting paralyzed by the more than 100 photos I need to take. I am working on it.

I have to get back to work now. If you have read this far, I hope I have not wasted your time! I have to say I don't usually have a revelation at the end of a post. This is essentially me mental dumping because my head is constantly spilling over.