Empty

Oh, the arrogance of my youth! So much energy and resources that I wasted on the wrong things and the wrong people. But what could I have done? It was also the only way to learn and the only way to become.

I did not have the guidance of parents who fully understood what adulting was. They only repeated what they saw from their own parents. I was pretty much left to my own devices, simply expected to take on the breadwinner mantle as old age crept on them, and the cost of living rose higher and higher to the point that they could no longer comprehend how things could cost so much.

It took me decades to realize that our family was nowhere near normal. And now everything feels too late, and I am empty, with nothing left to give.

In the middle of my life, I frequently dream of running away.

Before, the thought of burning in hell for abandoning my responsibilities stopped me. Now, it’s only the stack of loans that I need to clean up so I can start fresh and new.

I am at that point where I can just leave. Cut off ties. Even change my name.

Maybe I just need a deep long vacation.

Which, of course, is impossible. (Remember the loans?)

How do I describe this emptiness? I keep wishing that when I go to bed at night, I go to sleep forever. Life does not hold much to look forward to anymore. It’s only more responsibilities, the cripple of old age, poverty, and a dying planet.

I go through the motions of things needing to be done at work and in the house (no, it is hard for me to call it a home). I wait for the late evening when everything and everyone shuts down, and I can be alone in my room.

I dread the mornings. The long stretch of the day with all its demands and expectations and assumptions. I feel scraped, wrung dry, beaten to a dry pulp.

I snap, I say a wrong word, I scowl, and people get hurt, offended, annoyed. Impatience is imprinted on my face. I am exhausted and I get sloppy, forgetful, I skip steps, I miss steps, I take shortcuts, I waste stuff , even money, because I couldn’t be bothered to care enough I just want the day to end. I only think of that moment, not the future where I will likely no longer have any money to spend or lose things (or people) I should have kept or taken care of.

I want to un-sync myself, then restart, reboot, recalibrate, return to start again from the very beginning and I promise I will make all the right choices this time.

I am empty. I want to be full again. With hope, with life.

Photo by Theo Bickel on Unsplash