Bangs and Blue Nails

I feel like I am vanishing.

I feel like I am fading away.

I feel like there is less and less of me every day, and I am only what I do, which are endless responsibilities and duties and adulting.

I feel like nothing is under my control anymore.

So tonight I painted my nails blue, and I cut my bangs. And I started looking for that bright red lipstick, and those crazy pair of earrings. And I took out that long green dress that goes against so many shoulds for a woman my age.

I am still here, somewhere, somehow.

I am about to begin laying down the foundations of a legacy. Of some sort. In a manner of speaking. I am about to speak my mind and my truths on what I do for money.

Money that blips into my account and vanishes as well. It is never enough. It has never been enough.

Money I earn with compromise. Money I wish I could make from my art instead, or even my writing. I wish I could make money from poems and stories. I wish I could make money from paintings and fairy tales.

I wish. For so much. Ever since I was little. Ever since I got older. Even when I have forgotten how to wish, or to dream.

Lately I have been feeling distant from everything. From life. From love. From hope.

I just want to lie down and close my eyes and sleep. Dreamless. Oblivion.

Quiet. Everything and everywhere is so loud my head hurts.

I am tired. Exhausted. Worn out. Wrung out. Empty, empty, empty.